31st January 2025

Haven’t had any new realizations about the nature of reality since early 2024 and it’s making me want to die.

Dedicating my life to what was supposed to be a side-quest feels absolutely disgusting. Will I ever be able to find my way.

I need time alone. Long moments of solitude are a condition for introspection. Introspection is a condition for breaking through the superficial layer of the self. The greatest punishment on Earth: to live only on the surface of oneself.

Considering moving from Paris next year but where. I’m sick of my everyday life. Is boredom a necessary condition for tranquility.

Lyon or Marseille. Never work and have free time to do shit. Lyon: only one Master’s in pure mathematics, at the ENS. If my grades allow it: get accepted there, fail but use free time to meet interesting people. Marseille: only one Master’s in pure mathematics, a thousand times easier than my current one. Pass with mediocre grades but use free time to grow my soul. Write more, think to live better, live to think better.

Lord, do I feel lonely. I thought the romantic kind of love I have for my boyfriend would suffice but it doesn’t. I am sick of not having any fusional friendships. My current friends are now too far – geographically and spiritually-speaking – from me. And the ones whom I felt the closest through the last years are no longer friends. Why do all of my friendships end so violently. I haven’t recovered from any of them. I still love them, the way Simone Weil teaches you to love a friend – unconditionally. I need to meditate on her writings again.


I need to find people to exercise friendship with. Where can I find people. There was a time when social anxiety kept me from opening my heart to others. Now that this obstacle is gone, is there anybody in front of whom I can lay my heart bare?

First exercise: stop rejecting those who express desire for my company. One person in particular. Met her in late 2021, has tried to get closer to me ever since. She wrote me a poem, I wrote her a letter, she wrote me back, I never answered. She has as many qualities as she has faults – including moral faults. She can irritate me like no one. But she can also ask for forgiveness like no one. The problem: her ingenuity makes her say and do inappropriate things. My inability to manage confrontation makes me keep my irritation to myself until I stop enjoying her company. She realizes she has done something wrong but it’s too late. Rather: I think it’s too late. Last time we spoke, she told me: “people aren’t robots and can change”. I wish my long-gone friends were “people”. She should’ve said: “I am not your average human being and can change”. She also said: “human relationships don’t seem to be a source of joy for you.” No they aren’t. And maybe they also aren’t supposed to be a source of instant joy but a source of growth.

I might see her next week.
She invited me to her own home: “here’s the most intimate place I could’ve invited you to, and you’re welcome to come here even if last time you were rude with me and I haven’t seen you in ages”. Why doesn’t she want to meet at a café like normal people do.

I will see her next week.
And I will not cancel our rendezvous.