5th April 2026

I don’t have time. I want to write but I don’t have time.

Life is weird. Everything is okay-ish except for a few critical moments where I experience some kind of mental insanity I have yet to find a name for. Shit comes from nowhere and includes intense rage and amnesia. I haven’t gotten over the amnesia part. Imagine doing and saying things you don’t remember. Imagine not recognizing yourself in those actions and words but having physical proof they existed.

Finally got an appointment with a free therapist. Asked her what her therapy method would be. She took fifteen seconds before answering. Guessed she was a psychoanalyst at around the seventh second of silence.

I will stay in Paris. I love this city too much, sorry. Also Lyon is too fascist for me. And it’s too cliché for a Parisian to move to Marseille for the nice weather.

I will never ever study fundamental mathematics (at university) again.

I’ll study what people call “applied mathematics”. Applied to what. Well, I found out most people don’t give a fuck as long as it’s math. Algebraic geometry professor: I work for Y. Y creates missiles. But Y doesn’t tell me what my research will be used for so I’m not to blame. Y isn’t to blame either because they only sell missiles, they don’t use them.

Had my first interview for a master’s in biology & mathematics on Friday. Went with nothing else than my sincerity. No preparation needed. I have immediate access to truth, only lies and crimes need premeditation. Interview went well and they’re keeping a place for me until the end of May, God is great.

Tired. I can’t wait to have time to do something else than math for God’s sake. So many people I know are doing summer internships. Feeling peer pressure to do the same but I’d rather die.

So many thoughts about so many things I wish I could write about. Like AI (or rather LLMs). Spoiler: I rarely use LLMs but I’m definitely not a puritan anti-LLMs. Also veganism. Spoiler: I’m becoming a chill vegan (in a very specific sense) and no it doesn’t make me less radical. Also human relationships. Spoiler: my misanthropy is both understandable and a huge problem that has to be solved.

Freedom is near.

Summer. Hiking in the gorgeous mountains for ten days (I will write a blog post about it I swear). Learning Arabic for hours. Reading books. Going to Lyon to visit a bestie. Going to a fully paid three-day seminar in a random city only to socialize with new people. Spending time buying second-hand clothes I feel beautiful wearing. Deep cleaning my apartment with my boyfriend. Buying second-hand furniture and decoration. Taking a random RER train and seeing where it takes me. Sleeping for hours zzzzzzz. Showing my body hair to the world and waiting for the girls to compliment me. Wearing the immaculate white tank top + panties combo at home. Watching movies every fucking night. Going to my local library to work a normal amount of time. Climbing super early in the morning and as long as I want to. Listening to new genres of music. Life is worth living yall.